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One-Night Stands

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One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Thu Jul 25, 2013 6:37 pm

Okay, pushing the boundaries a bit here in terms of what we normally discuss. But we're a small community and all adults. If people are particularly offended, please avoid the thread. Or, if it really bothers you, let me know and I will delete the thread.

What are your thoughts on one-night stands? Would it bother you if your partner or a potential partner had played around in the past? Has your own partner (present or past) been bothered by your past naked adventures? Is this something you or your partner could get over, or would it never be an issue from the get-go?

Not looking to judge or single anyone out here. Just trying to gain a little perspective and you're an easy bunch to talk to. While we're a small community, I think we're quite diverse, and difference of opinion is a good thing.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:24 pm

Are you looking for permission? Go for it, dude!


Seriously, that is a bridge that any relationship has to cross. If there is any doubt about being able to accept your partner's past, then you will never get off the rocky road. That is one of the reasons why I love Chasing Amy, by the way, as it is one of the few movies that has the inability to deal with a partner's past as its main theme, and it realistically does not turn out well. In my case, I know my partner's past and it does not bother me at all, but I would be curious to see how others fare with that.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  East on Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:35 pm

As long as it is in your distant pasts (before you knew each other / got serious) and she really likes you and you like her I think your fine. Fooling around is pretty common place these days.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  ADOR on Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:52 am

I have had couple of one nighters myself. Nothing I was planning. I was still talking to them thinking I would be seeing them again then the next thing I know they are shacked up with someone. Me and my current girlfriend of two years talked about it after we first got together but haven't really talked about it since. We both consider that to be our past, not our future. My girl is a little different than most you meet. Collared submissive, that was a first for me as well.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  ethelred on Fri Jul 26, 2013 9:10 am

Since both my wife and I have been previously married, and both of us came of age in the adventuresome '60's and '70's, we have both had our share of sexual experiences inside and outside of marriage. That being said, I agree that the past is the past and that often the importance of previous relationships is given a greater rating than they deserve.

You maybe thinking along the lines of "What could she have ever seen in that jerk, etc?" Maybe she concluded that he was a jerk, learned from the experience and moved on to someone better -- you.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:58 am

All wise comments. Thank you.

I'm not looking for permission. I'm in the same relationship I told some of you (Iago, at least) years ago. It's just people get talking and stuff comes out.

I've always held the mantra that the past is the past. I try not to worry about stuff I can't change, as that will drive you batty. Instead, we live in the present and that's where I feel energy is best spent.

So why the question? Probably insecurity and jealousy. As I said, we got talking and stuff came up, and I was hit with that pang of anxiousness that I know is neither rational or fair. Don't get me wrong, my past is not rosy. I'm divorced and have a child from that previous marriage. I think that's plenty of baggage to ask anyone to put up with. And, sure, I've had other relationships outside of that marriage. I'm not a saint and don't expect others to be either. But I've never had a one-night stand and for some reason the idea bothered me -- the idea that an act of special intimacy might not have been so special at some other time. It's silly and as I write this, I'm a bit embarrassed. I expected most of you to politely tell me to man up, get over it, and not focus on the past, which is what I needed. So thank you.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  mrblur on Fri Jul 26, 2013 3:36 pm

Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!! :popcorn:


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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Sat Jul 27, 2013 5:58 am

Seamaster wrote:All wise comments. Thank you.

I'm not looking for permission. I'm in the same relationship I told some of you (Iago, at least) years ago. It's just people get talking and stuff comes out.

I've always held the mantra that the past is the past. I try not to worry about stuff I can't change, as that will drive you batty. Instead, we live in the present and that's where I feel energy is best spent.

So why the question? Probably insecurity and jealousy. As I said, we got talking and stuff came up, and I was hit with that pang of anxiousness that I know is neither rational or fair. Don't get me wrong, my past is not rosy. I'm divorced and have a child from that previous marriage. I think that's plenty of baggage to ask anyone to put up with. And, sure, I've had other relationships outside of that marriage. I'm not a saint and don't expect others to be either. But I've never had a one-night stand and for some reason the idea bothered me -- the idea that an act of special intimacy might not have been so special at some other time. It's silly and as I write this, I'm a bit embarrassed. I expected most of you to politely tell me to man up, get over it, and not focus on the past, which is what I needed. So thank you.

Ah, the "permission" thing was a joke, as I am sure that you know.  But almost everyone has to eventually reach the point of dealing with something in a partner's past that they find off-putting -- and it may not have anything to do with sex, either.  Thing is, we all have embarassing or questionable things in our pasts, again, not necessarily related to sex.  It is awfully difficult to be saintly enough to be throwing the first stones.

But yes, insecurity can indeed be a part of it.  Silent Bob said it best:



Silent Bob: Chasing Amy.

Holden: What? What did you say?

Bob: You're chasing Amy.

Jay: Why do you so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. Think just because never says anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fucking mouth...

Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you just shut the fuck up. You're yap, yap, yapping all the time. Give me a fucking headache. (to Holden) I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago, this chick named Amy.

Jay: When?

Bob: A couple years ago?

Jay: What, you live in Canada or something? Why don't I know about this?

Bob Bitch, what you don't know about me I could just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas? (does a gesture with his hands, a reference to a move by the exotic dancers in "Showgirls") Betcha ya didn't even know that shit, did ya?

Jay: So tell your fucking story so we can get outta here and smoke this.

Bob (to Holden): So, there's me and Amy. And we're all inseparable, right? Big time in love. Then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how you don't wanna know, but just have to know--stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him. How they fell in love, how they went out for a couple of yeas, how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah blah blah blah blah. And I'm okay. Then she drops the bomb. And the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with him, "menage a troi," I believe it's called. And this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sorta thing; I was raised Catholic, for Gods sake.

Jay: Saint shithead.

Bob (to Jay): Do something. (to Holden) So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? So I start blasting her. I mean, I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is to call her 'slut,' tell her she was used. I'm out for blood, I really want to hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem," right? And she's just trying to calmly tell me it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't feel like she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. And I say, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, tell her it's over. I walk.

Jay: Fucking-A.

Bob: No, idiot, it was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. In that moment, I felt small, like I lacked experience, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But what I did not get: she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy any more. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I figured this all out, it was too late. She had moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But (lights a cigarette) I pushed her away. (pause) So I spend every day since then chasing Amy. (pause) So to speak.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Mon Jul 29, 2013 11:28 am

Oh, I ain't saintly enough.

Damn, you're making me appreciate Chasing Amy in a whole new light. You do realize that I'm going to have to go home and watch that movie again now.

mrblur: I checked out your video this weekend. What was the advice?
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Mon Jul 29, 2013 12:30 pm

The movie Chasing Amy is entirely about regrets of choices made due to insecurity. Kevin Smith had been dating Joey Lauren Adams, and found out about things in her past that freaked him out, and they broke up as a result. The movie is essentially his way of making an apology; it really operates on a meta level, since the movie itself is doing exactly what Ben Affleck's character does at the end with his Chasing Amy comic book. Even Jay makes a good point about it:



HOLDEN
It's not like that.

JAY
Well what's it like then?

HOLDEN
Right now?
(beat)
I don't know. I love her. But she
has a past

JAY
I'll say. Stuffin' two guys, eating
chicks out. Yo - I heard one time,
she had this dog...

HOLDEN
Eat your fucking bagel already!

JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Look at this touchy mother fucker
right here.
(to Holden)
So, if you're all in love with her,
what's the problem?

HOLDEN
The problem is shit like that. It was
one thing when it was just girls -
that was weird enough. But now you
throw guys into the mix - two guys at
once, no less. All that
experience...What am I supposed to
think?

JAY
You think good; because now she'll be
all true blue and shit. The girl's
tasted life, yo. Now she's settlin'
for your boring, funny-book-makin'
ass.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Mon Jul 29, 2013 2:05 pm

I don't recall, but isn't one of Holden's holdups also that he can't live up to those past experiences (i.e., he's the safe choice after all the fun has been had)? I really do need to rewatch the movie now.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Mon Jul 29, 2013 2:42 pm

True in the narrowest sense; that was indeed one of Holden's hangups, but it was literally his own hangup. He felt that he could not live up to Alyssa's past experiences, but just did not understand that she could not care less about that:



HOLDEN
How the hell could you do those
things?!

ALYSSA
Easily! Some of it I did out of
stupidity, some of it I did out of
what I thought was love, but - good or
bad - they were my choices, and I'm
not making apologies for them now -
not to you or anyone! And how dare
you try to lay a guilt trip on me
about it - in public, no less! Who
the fuck do you think you are, you
judgemental prick?!

HOLDEN
How am I supposed to feel about all of
this?

ALYSSA
How are you supposed to feel about it?
Feel what ever the fuck you want about
it! The only thing that really
matters is how you feel about me.

HOLDEN
I don't know how I feel about you now.

ALYSSA
Why? Because I had some sex?

HOLDEN
Some sex?

ALYSSA
Yes, Holden - that's all it was: some
sex! Most of it stupid high school
sex, for Christ's sake! Like you
never had sex in high school!

HOLDEN
There's a world of fucking difference
between typical high school sex and
two guys at once! They fucking used
you?

ALYSSA
I used them! You don't think I
would've let it happen if I hadn't
wanted it to, do you?! I was an
experimental girl, for Christ's sake!
Maybe you knew early on that your
track was from point 'a' to 'b' - but
unlike you I wasn't given a fucking
map at birth, so I tried it all! That
is until we - that's you and I - got
together, and suddenly, I was sated.
Can't you take some fucking comfort in
that? You turned out to be all I was
ever looking for - the missing piece
in the big fucking puzzle!


The whole thought that he could not live up to her past experiences that made him come up with his stupid plan for the threesome, was entirely his own projection onto her -- not the way that she felt about him or her own past experiences. Which is kind of the point of the whole movie; how people can let their own insecurities project things onto others that simply are not true.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Mon Jul 29, 2013 5:31 pm

Indeed. A quick way to make things go from better to bad to worse.

Insecurities, acceptance and personal growth are remarkable things. Shit, I think I just figured out the meaning of life . . . .
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:26 am

{N-TYSH}
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  East on Sat Aug 24, 2013 9:49 pm

I remembered something that happened a few years ago that made me think of this thread. If you find out something about somebody's past (They share it with you or one of your friends tells you) if you don't hold that against them and they end up doing the same thing to you in the long run that does not make you a tool. There are always 2 sides to every story. You simply found out the truth for yourself instead of relying on assumptions and lies. That is something a smart person does not an idiot. Now if you allow said thing to continue after you find out for yourself I cant help you there...
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:21 am

One night standards:


http://o.onionstatic.com/images/23/23273/original/700.jpg?3442

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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:06 am

East: I didn't mean to imply that anything funny is going on. Far from it actually. It was more a reflection on past adventures (key word here being past). But I get what you're saying.

Iago: Awesome.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Wed Aug 28, 2013 3:16 pm

While East is talking about a different situation, it is indeed a good point, at a variety of levels. We just had a situation in our community where we had approved an operator's licence (that is what they call a bartenter's licence in Wisconsin) for someone who had two DUI convictions, one in 2003 and one in 2005. Tough call -- the most recent one was eight years old. But the person just got pulled over, and we had to revoke the licence. The past does not necessarily predict future behavior, but if someone continues to repeat that past behavior in the present, time to cut and run.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  East on Wed Aug 28, 2013 10:28 pm

@seamaster After re reading it I can see why you thought it was directed at you based on the last sentence. I meant it more as a general statement not really directed at anybody in particular.

@lago I am surprised he was considered for the position to begin with. As long as he did not lie on it on his job application its not grounds for disqualification alone I suppose.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Thu Aug 29, 2013 4:03 am

Well, it was not a job application, but an operator's licence application. We did not hire the person, just had to approve or deny the licence. The applicant did disclose the convictions on the application, otherwise we would have denied it up front. Nothing in Wisconsin law really helps us there, as past convictions, especially older ones like that, are not necessarily grounds for denial. Even after the recent citation, we still had to hold an open hearing with the Village Attorney present, with witnesses being sworn in and all evidence being entered into the record as exhibits. It was much like a trial.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Fri Aug 30, 2013 11:04 am

Move the setting south and you have the makings of the next Grisham novel . . . .

East: No worries at all. I wasn't offended in any way. And like Iago said, it is good advice.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Fri Aug 30, 2013 12:38 pm

In a nutshell: the past is in the past IF is stays in the past.
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:24 pm

In which case, Leoben was right:

"All this has happened before, and all of it will happen again."
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Iago on Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:49 am

Actually, that does not quite fit what I said, but to correct him:

"All of this has happened before, and if all of this happens again, then you need to make a change."
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Re: One-Night Stands

Post  Seamaster on Wed Sep 04, 2013 12:29 pm

I had meant to say, Otherwise, Leoben . . .
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Re: One-Night Stands

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